Recovering type A personality

I have struggled with relinquishing control for a very long time. I have felt unease at not knowing what the future will bring. I had my days meticulously planned and had plan B/C “just in case”. According to Wikipedia: “Type A individuals are outgoing, ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, impatient, anxious, proactive, and concerned with time management”. I guess that’s a good description of me. I must admit that I enjoyed the status of my position in my own mind. I enjoyed a certain amount of respect and authority. When we chose to retire and travel indefinitely I had to face this reality about myself. I had to relinquish control of micromanaging Ricky’s education and our lives because there are many things that are out of my control. Life has certainly been different.

Managing details served me well in my career. It ensured tasks were completed and mistakes were minimized. Being a control freak kept patients safe and well cared for. While keeping my family safe and cared for is important they are not my only priorities. The world is not a scary, dangerous place and our life is not a series of tasks to complete. My job required me to be vigilant for the worst case scenarios and life threatening diagnoses, but my life does not. Mistakes are also not life threatening, but opportunities to learn, grow and hopefully laugh. Finally, I also realize my family’s life is not mine to manage. I must empower my sons and husband to explore and persue their dreams so that they can reach their greatest potentials.

A surfers life (as a non surfer) in El Zonte is the ultimate test for a type A person like myself. The days are dictated by waves and the tide, neither of which I can read. Days start before dawn as most people scramble out to surf followed sometimes by surf lessons for Kenny and Ricky. I cheer them on, play in the ocean with Ricky and tackle my own fears of the ocean. Lunch around noon is a highlight of the day for many here and at $2.50 a plate is a bargain for the quality and the excitement of never knowing what you will get. Mid day usually brings siesta when it is the hottest, but nothing is written in stone. Not understanding my husband’s Japanese conversations with his friend (our host) challenges my type A tendencies further. I felt on edge after 2 weeks of never knowing what we were doing, never being ready, not knowing the plan. Then I realized that the lack of structure is what I need to let go of my controling, goal oriented habits and appreciate the time to read a book, relax and reflect. Now I am trying to embrace these opportunities which allow me to enjoy the moment and inevitably open doors to the future. There is no need to take life so seriously. In reality there is no emergency.

El Zonte November 18, 2021

We finally made it back. Ten years have passed since our last visit. The pandemic delayed it an additional 2 years. The surf camp has changed little, but the surrounding area is more developed. There are small “tiendas” selling snacks, flip flops and tank tops, restaurants and other hostals along the beach that were not here on our last visit. There are many more visitors to the area and English is widely heard spoken.

Today we crossed the river and saw many foreigners partying at a new bar on the beach. I believe many are attending the Bitcoin conference. There are even “lifeguards” blowing their whistles at people. The waves are higher and more frequent than I’ve ever seen even on this side of the river that is normally calm. We think it may be due to the full moon. Ricky had a great time playing in the sand and ocean. Later, a 9 y/o girl from the Yukon (Canada) named Erykah arrived at Saburo’s. I chatted with her mom Kelly as the kids played in the pool. Hopefully they will hit it off.

I am happy to see locals benefiting from increased tourism, but I can’t help worrying that this little known secret town will be overrun by tourists and look like every other tourist destination. I worry that there is very little infrastructure to support this much tourism and I worry about the increased garbage that I saw on the beach today 😔.

We have only been here three full days, but we are startng to see a routine take form. Kenny has been enjoying catching up with Saburo and that has filled most of our days. Yesterday we went shopping for groceries and returned via microbus – we splurged at $1.50/ person for a 30 minute ride from Libertad. Moving forward we will probably shop for produce every few days from the local trucks like we did today. We bought limes, oranges, avocados, a small watermelon and platanos for $5. We haven’t figured out where to buy meat, but we have access to nice seafood on the pier at Libertad. Up until now we have been eating out or ordering $2.50 lunches from a local lady.

Driving in the Midwest During a Pandemic

Covid has transformed all of our lives. My little family is fortunate to have our health and choices. Our mode and location of travel is not what we had planned, but we took baby steps in these crazy times. The most fundamental difference was that we were unable to make deep connections and get to know people due to social distancing. As such, for me our travel this fall has only highlighted my own and society’s social dysfunction.

While Kenny and I are more introverted by nature, Ricardo is a social butterfly. He thrives on social interaction and he has had the greatest difficulty with social isolation. He looks at the world with curiosity and the idealism of a child. I feel that social distancing has allowed me to revert to my default behavior, observing others from the outside. Travel was supposed to challenge me to ask people questions, get to know them, their cultures and locations more intimately. I wanted to be less inhibited and more curious like my son.

In 2020, however, the tension is palpable. Is it mine or other’s that I feel? As a healthcare provider I feel a responsibility to protect others because we have been traveling around the country, potentially spreading Covid. We have been wearing masks and avoiding crowded, indoor places, washing hands to protect ourselves and others. I evaluate the pandemic from a purely scientific perspective and believe in the medical oathe: “first do no harm”. Yet it is my respect and concern for others that sometimes triggers disdain and comments from those who, for whatever reason, chose to disregard Covid as a risk.

The diversity in this country should make us stronger, not divided. We should all be more curious, having more conversations about the things that make us uncomfortable and seem incomprehensible to understand each other’s point of view. Instead I hid behind my mask and observed as others hid behind theirs. I understand the science behind the necessity of a mask, but I believe the masks and social distancing have also widened the division in this country as we become more isolated, narrow minded and defensive. I recognize that on this trip I missed an opportunity to educate myself and understand my neighbors. I cannot change the past, but in the future I will make the effort to step outside my comfort zone and ask more questions for my own edification. I may not change someone else’s opinions, but I may gain some insight to their opinions and pain. We all desire and deserve to be heard and seen for who we are. It doesn’t have to be an argument or a debate. Maybe it’s not even necessary to volunteer my own opinion. That will likely be the hardest part. Perhaps if people feel heard they will be willing to listen and ask their own questions. Isn’t that how a conversation starts? What can you do to narrow or bridge the divide? How can we begin healing this fractured country and see each other again?

Changing Seasons

As we celebrate Memorial Day, the unofficial start to summer in the US I am alone in St Pete, our home this year with my faithful companions Looper and Hunter. Not lonely. Alone by choice and circumstance. My three boys are in NYC taking care of things, and I have been consciously spending time with myself reflecting and planning. The physical changes in the weather, flora and fauna here over the last few months remind me that everything and everyone is in constant change. Plants that were dormant when we arrived are now bursting with flower and fruit. Birds are nesting and hatchlings are all around learning to fly.

I am slowing down and enjoying all of these moments and thoughts, trying to articulate in my mind how to share the beauty and peace that has come to me with my family. It is unfair for me to expect them to see the world as I do because each of us has our own path to travel in our own time, but I want to share with them all that I have learned. I want my family to know that they are perfect just the way they are and that the growth that they desire will come just as the flowers will bloom, when it is the season. We must nurture our bodies, minds and souls to support these changes just as the sun warms us and gives us light. We must be as patient as the dove who sits on her eggs waiting for the amazing transformation inside to bring new life into the world. And we must weather the cloudy and stormy days which give us pause and life sustaining water.

Unfortunately, most of us do not have this luxury of time or perspective. Our society does not support slowing down, reflection or “intentional living”. There is always something pulling at our attention and distracting us from what we really need to do. I hadn’t even known the phrase “intentional living” ten years ago, and it has taken me all these years to grasp what “intentional” really means. I believe it all starts with knowing your “why”.

Our goal oriented society tells us to have goals to aspire to. However, once you start exploring your motivations, your goals may change because the underlying “why” may not align with your initial goals. For many years I could not even establish my goals or my motivation, I just knew that I wanted more. I constantly felt that I was struggling to keep up, yet I had so much already, and still I was not fulfilled. Slowing down has allowed me to feel the discomfort as well as the joy, identify and accept them and their sources and invite more of what brings peace and joy into my life. When in doubt, pay close attention to what you are feeling because feelings are a reflection of your thoughts. Once we look objectively at our thoughts we gain insight and make choices that are less reactive and more in line with what we really want.

These days I appreciate the journey more and worry less about the destination. I know that I am exactly where I need to be at this point in time and life will take me where I need to be. I trust that the solutions to situations will come to me when they arise because I will be ready for them and I will listen. There is a confidence and a steadiness that comes from deep within myself that I have never experienced before and which I wish for everyone.

Alpharetta, GA

After driving overnight to our sit in Georgia we were hungry, exhausted and in need of a shower. We arrived and found the house key under the mat. Our hosts had left that morning and communicated very little with us via text. They had had many sitters before and seemed to prefer non contact transitions, not too unusual these days with Covid-19. For us it feels a bit odd letting ourselves into a stranger’s home. It is a big beautiful house, and we expected to be greeted by the two dogs who had been home alone all day, but instead there was silence when we called their names. A quick search of the first floor yielded a well behaved and silent Shelby sitting behind a closed office door. We were told the dogs were not allowed upstairs, but we found the second dog 13 year old Burton deep in sleep on the guest bed. Relief crossed my weary mind and we proceeded to unpack the car, fed the dogs and eat our now cold pizza.

Burton took his walk the next morning as we were instructed. Shelby stayed home, apparently too mischivous to be trusted out on walks. When we returned from the museum late that afternoon our greeting was much the same, except that Burton merely sniffed his food and lay down under the dining table as we ate dinner. I recalled Sam and Bruce not eating the second night of our previous sit and thought perhaps Burton missed his owners. I suppose contacting the owners at that time or worrying more would not have changed the outcome. The following morning we found Burton where we left him the night before, under the table.

Imagine giving a stranger the news that their loved one had died in their sleep. I realized I had a glimpse of what my husband Kenny did everyday for ten years working at the Office of Chief Medical Examiner’s (OCME) office, except that this was a dog left in our care. Of course we felt in some way responsible even though we had only been in the house 36 hours. Our heads were still spinning when our son woke and walked in as we broke the news to the owners over the phone. We felt terrible that we had no opportunity to prepare him for the news. This was the beginning of our second full day of our nine day sit.

My husband and I are probably more familiar with death than most people because of our ER and his OCME experience. I wonder if somehow Burton chose to die in our care because we could “handle it”. Not that we were not saddened to tears for this dog and the family that we didn’t even know. Perhaps he was sparing his owners the pain. It is surprising to me how transfefrable our medical skills are and how seamlessly we revert to assessment of the situation, diagnosis and plan even as we house and pet sit.

We spent the next days trying to ensure Shelby was not lonely without her companion. She enjoyed tug of war and playing ball in the yard and we enjoyed her company. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach after Burton’s passing was starting to subside when suddenly Kenny bolts out into the yard yelling for Shelby. She had pushed aside a board in the fence and was three houses down by the time Kenny had miraculously convinced her to turn around. Disaster number two averted thanks to my dear hubby. We baracaded the fence and never left Shelby outside alone again. This was day #7 of 9. Lesson learned, never let your guard down.

I would imagine some might never want to house sit after this story, but there were also good experiences. The family whose house we were sitting included a daughter and son around our son’s age. Ricky enjoyed playing with the boys toys and reading their books. He seemed comforted by familiar things and very much at home in this house. And except for Shelby’s escape, she was actually very lovable and a great companion. The bottom line is house sitting, like life, is full of experiences. The way I see it you can choose to accept things for what they are without judgement, learn from them and move on or choose to label things as “bad” or “good” and miss out on all that life has to offer.

Not far from home

Though I had never been in this older house before in Jersey City, it is familiar as are the people in the neighborhood. The house is worn, but warm with lots of character and love. Outside, the memories of my childhood in the Bronx as it was “burning” in the 80’s seem so vivid here and yet I have not thought of them for many years. I was determined to leave them behind when I made a home for my sons. Here I faced sometimes unpleasant memories and reconciled them with the reality in front of me.

My initial emotion was disdain for the neighborhood, it’s unkempt streets and old homes, some abandoned and boarded up. I saw what most outsiders probably do, but I should know better having grown up in a similar neighborhood. I didn’t know what made me more uncomfortable: the fact that I felt unsafe or my prejudice against these strangers and the neighborhood. I thought I was less judgemental. I have been in poorer places around the world and could see the beauty in simplicity and have compassion for their hardships. I rarely felt unsafe. Something about this place brought me back to my childhood. Funny how you hold on to things without realizing.

I did not like my own thoughts or emotions. I had to face them and sit with them for a while. First I justified them as necessary for self preservation, but I knew that was an excuse. I was forced to re-examine my childhood and young adult years with fresh eyes and let them go. There were plenty of painful memories, fear and feelings of never belonging, but the reality is they had nothing to do with the neighborhood or the people in front of me. Most people were actually friendly, especially the children.

My son was blessed with a warm welcome every time we went to the neighborhood park. He is outgoing (unlike me) and makes friends easily. The children never judged him for his appearance or as a stranger, unlike my experiences as a child. Multiage groups of children played together, watched out for each other, shared and included my son in a way that contrasted so much with the children in our own middle class neighborhood that it struck me. These children reminded me to look at all people and places with fresh eyes. My son’s innocent perspective enabled me to let go of my preconceived opinions and my past pains and move on. I left this 10 day house sit feeling more comfortable in this neighborhood and in my own skin.

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My son has taught me so much

When Alex was first born I clearly remember staring into his beautiful face thinking “what do I want for you more than anything?” And the word that came to me after a long time was “respect”. I wanted him to have self respect, respect for others and the world. I believe that when you respect things how could you choose poorly. It forces you to evaluate the situation and decide “does this choice reflect your values?” I raised him with this principal always in the forefront of my mind.

Throughout the years I’m sure I fell short of my goals more than I realize. At the moment we all make the best decisions and choices that we can given the situation. However, I’m a bit of a perfectionist so when I was blessed with the prospect of another child I could not make those same mistakes twice. I reflect often on my shortcomings and ignorance, try to forgive myself and live more intentionally. I now believe that while perfection is unattainable and an illusion, we should always strive to learn from the past and live in the present.

While respect is still a fundamental value to me, I also want my younger son to be seen for who he is and feel it. I often regret that I did not stop to fully engage with my oldest as he spoke with me. There were so many missed opportunities to engage him as I was drowning in thoughts, things to do and worries as a single working mother. Often I know I provided solutions when all he needed was someone to listen. Problem solving is a valuable skill that must be developed and I robbed him of many opportunities in my haste to get things done. Sadly, my interference and impatience also undermined his confidence. The products of my mistakes surfaced during highschool, but I only recognized them because I could finally see the young man struggling to make himself known to me. Too many years later.

My oldest son, now twenty five years old, has never ceased to amaze me with wisdom beyond his years, his kindness, intelligence and of course his respect for himself, others and the world. Alex is much better at problem solving now. He still does not realize his own value, but that took me forty years. He told me recently that he wants to be remembered for living his values. I would say that he is a reminder that children are a product of their environment and also fortunately, very forgiving of their parents’ shortcomings.

Homeschooling

The most challenging part of our new lifestyle has been and continues to be homeschooling. I am no longer terrified of the prospect, now that I recognize that children are naturally curious and inclined to learn without some adult shoving information into them. I see that there are opportunities to learn everyday and there is also no need to learn every minute of the day. I still struggle with my personal need to teach my son discipline and grit through more traditional exercises that are familiar to my catholic school education. Somewhere deep down inside I feel comfort in the familiar even though I know there are better ways to learn. Old habits are hard to break, but I am committed to trying.

We vascillate between more structure and more play/exploration as we have limited resources in NYC during these times of Covid. Our original plans included more exotic locales and experiences, but now we have struggled like everyone else to transform our quarantine days into positive, productive and educational days. We were fortunate that online learning in the spring was better for us than most in the NYC public schools, but the novelty of zoom playdates and classes has long worn off. Perhaps it is easier for girls who tend to have better verbal communication skills, but my son needs to be active and interact with other children and nature through physical play.

A constant struggle is screen time, movies, games and even reading apps. They are the default when he’s bored or tired and sometimes we just give in when we need some time to ourselves. I am trying, unsuccessfully, to teach him to manage his own time. It helps that now he knows how to tell time and that now he understands that “time flies when you’re having fun”. I suppose I should consider those accomplishments and a step in the right direction.

We are also working on teaching him to be more independent. At first I could not leave his side during the day if he was not using a screen. It was impossible to get anything done. He could not get any school work done, eat and could not even play with his toys without me being within arms length and actively involved. Now I can get away with being in the room with frequent checking in. Prior to Covid he was very independent, making this need for attention that much more unexpected. I can only imagine what fears and insecurities he cannot verbalize. I am grateful that we have the luxury of being home with our son in these stressful and uncertain times.

Camping Exposed

I have been camping a couple of times in NY, but never out of the state or for more than two or three days. Our camping equipment is limited to a queen size air mattress, a six foot tent, a small $25 cooler we bought fifteen years ago, Kenny’s trusty cast iron pan and my Berkey water filter. Yet, overall camping our way down to Florida and back in July during Covid was more enjoyable than flying or staying in hotels. Yes, there were a lot of flies and mosquitoes. The worst was in a “primitive” campsite at James Island in Charleston, SC. It also gets really hot mid afternoon to evening, but we managed by staying at the beach or pool most of the day.

Camping tests your ingenuity, resourcefulness, resilience and comfort level. You are limited by what you can pack, so you quickly learn that the creature comforts of home are just luxuries. Binder clips, duct tape and twine are amazing multi taskers that come in handy and challenge your creativity. We managed to hang clothes, seal packages, suspend a six inch diameter batter powered fan from the pull ties and seams of the tent, patch up holes in the floor of the tent, a bag and an inflatable pool bull with these multi taskers.

Lying in your tent at night with the roof off to allow every precious little breeze to enter tests your courage. My little family was totally exposed to the elements, animals, everyone. No walls, locks, not even a nylon roof to give some false sense of separation or safety. What was that sound in the dark? Who are the strangers in adjoining camp sites? Florida is a concealed carry state with a lot of Trump supporters and my car has NY plates… After 8 nights of camping in 4 different sites and even sleeping at a truck stop in our car one night, the worst things that happened is that a raccoon stole our marshmallows, we got a lot of mosquito bites and a large branch fell from a tree at an adjoining camp site. I guess it wasn’t our time. People have been polite, if not friendly, once again proving these cynical New Yorkers wrong.

Camping also provided plenty of challenges for a seven year old boy. He learned to persevere as part of our team to set up and break down camp in the heat, while being attacked by insects. He learned that starting a fire requires constant care and attention. I enjoyed watching his confidence and skill improve as he learned to respect and enjoy the ocean, its waves and its inhabitants. Ricardo also learned that sometimes the best discoveries are made at the end of a long, hot walk when he stumbled across a tortoise, frog or a majestic bird along the way.

Cost for tent camping sites range from $30-60/ night with beach or pool access. Each site varied as far as water and electricity. Only the primitive site had no access to either and the bathroom was far from the site. Fire wood $5-9/ bundle which usually lasted two nights cooking one meal/ day.

Kathryn Abbey Hannah State park in Jacksonville, FL

St Petersburg, FL

We have completed our two week sit in St Petersburg. This weekend I mowed the lawn, vacuumed the house, swept the side patio, cleaned the pool and did laundry. Ricky swept the deck of the pool, cleaned the cat (he’s too old to groom himself), the litter box and took out the trash. Kenny took the dog for a run, helped me clean and packed, made breakfast and lunch and studied Spanish. Kenny joked that I’m made for house sitting because he saw the look of satisfaction on my face when all was clean and done before noon.

I realize that I enjoy yard work and a clean home. I don’t mind a little physical labor especially when I don’t have to do it on my only day off from work. The house work here reminds me of the house in Monroe, but much easier since the house is smaller and everything is so well organized for me. The house in Monroe was therapeutic and taught me I can accomplish great and difficult things on my own. I must admit I had quite a bit of help from neighbors, now adopted family and my Mom. The house was finally beautiful and complete and had served its purpose. I have no regrets selling it, but I do sometimes miss gardening, pets and living close to nature.

Fast forward ten+ years and I’m fortunate to find a way to satisfy those needs without giving up travel. I believe there is more than enough to enjoy without owning my own home and pets for now. We can provide a service to the home owners and pets and benefit from their hospitality. Longer stays like this one allow us to live like locals and really enjoy the pets. There is no rush to see or do everything and surprisingly we love this pace, unlike our crazy trips of past. We are thoroughly enjoying each other’s company, free time, cooking together and playing with Looper, Hunter and Lilly. St Petersburg has lots of nice parks and beaches to enjoy as well.

I will miss this place and the pets who have welcomed us into their pack. Their owners have been generous and trusting and I have enjoyed my short conversations with them. These connections alter ones perceptions of the world for the better. I believe people are inherently kind, if we only slow down long enough to take the time to get to know each other. Everyone has a story and I look forward to weaving more of these stories into our lives. Thank you Anne and Pete.